Catatony - Winter is All I Am
by Good Morning and Good Night
Summary: Jack Frost has spent so much time alone that he cannot bear feeling lonely, or sad, or ANYTHING, really. So he finds that every winter he can go into a catatonic state and still do his job as the Shepherd of Winter - so he does twice every year afterwards, once for the northern hemisphere, once for the southern hemisphere. And then the Guardians find out and it all goes downhill.
1. I've Been Alone For So Long

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or realities (unless otherwise stated). I do not make money off of this.**

 **The prompt for this come from profilore on rotg-kink dreamwidth and this first chapter is only slightly changed by me but mostly profilore's work (the person implicitly stated that a writer could use their first chapter). The next chapter(s?) are mine, thank you very much.**

 **The prompt basically says what is provided here.**

 **This is not betaed. If you see any mistakes, I would love for you to** ** _kindly_** **point them out.**

The first to go was, strangely, his voice. He used to laugh, to shout. Speaking to himself, the wind, the Moon, the children, the whole world. He used to try and destroy the silence, the stillness, which seemed to follow him wherever he went. He used to hate that silence. But that didn't even last a decade.

Every time he opened his mouth, he had to fight a sense of hopelessness deep in his heart. He had no choice, but to admit, again and again, that he was alone, and no one would hear him, no one would answer. Eventually, he found he didn't have the strength to try again. He stopped in his tracks, his mouth half-open, lips trembling. Silent tears falling and freezing on the way down as he swallowed his words. The kids he had been watching kept on laughing and playing. It made no difference.

None at all.

After he gave up, it was only a matter of time before he lost himself. That didn't happen in a day or two. But half a century into his existence, he just noticed that when he let himself go, his instincts would take charge. He didn't actually need to think about what his magic needed to do next – it was as easy as breathing, shepherding winter. When Jack stopped trying to consciously control his powers, he suddenly didn't have to. Instead, he let winter rule over him, like it ruled over half the planet twice every year. When he was in this state, he did not see himself as something separate from his season – he was just another snowflake, tossed around by the wind. He did not have to look at human settlements with longing, or make a pointless spectacle of himself, trying to play with children, like they could see him. Like he had a purpose.

Jack knew what he was losing. Somehow, even though he didn't remember anything before his awakening just outside his lake, he had a strong personality, and some things just seemed wrong to him. His magic killed people, sometimes. He didn't like it, and tried his best to stay in control of himself enough to stop it. He knew that children should be happy and cared for, and made an effort to play with them and protect them however possible. He knew that not caring was wrong, too. But it became too much to bear.

And so twice every year he would forget about everything else and become winter. He would essentially disappear, vanish into thin air, letting his powers spread over great distances and allowing his body to stop moving. The wind would become his body, the cold – his breath. In that state, he only occasionally remembered his own name, waking up only long enough to take a short breather or when his powers were about to do something he greatly disapproved. Sometimes, he could stop himself just in time, but sometimes he only awakened after the deed is done, looking at his victims from the sky, suddenly halfway solid and caring again. He did not return to his body until he was finished with winter, however.

If he was lucky, he would not awaken until spring came to the hemisphere he was in. Only then, between southern and northern winter, he was himself again, tugged back to his body by his own magic. And it was torture. Sweet torture, but torture nonetheless.

Actually, in hindsight, the other guardians were very lucky to meet him exactly when they did – early spring, and the year during which he was more aware than usual. The reason for that was a small boy with a kind soul and a shining pair of brown eyes which reminded Jack of something he couldn't quite recall, but cherished anyway.


	2. And Now You Find Me

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or realities (unless otherwise stated). I do not make money off of this.**

 **The prompt for this come from profilore on rotg-kink dreamwidth and this first chapter is only slightly changed by me but mostly profilore's work (the person implicitly stated that a writer could use their first chapter). This chapter and any possible other ones are mine, thank you very much.**

 **This is not betaed. If you see any mistakes, I would love for you to** ** _kindly_** **point them out.**

Jack smiled emptily (not that they noticed) at the guardians, watching them wave back as he left their continuing reparations and preparations for more believers. The Tooth Palace was already repaired, tooth cases replaced back where they were and mural repainted (the floating buildings were fixed with more belief.) North's yeti couldn't help much with anything else, preparing billions of toys for the next Christmas.

Unfortunately winter was starting, and it would be prudent for him to go to the southern hemisphere. It would also be better for his own well being if he separated himself from the guardians. Then there wouldn't be any problems with him disappearing for the winters of both the northern and southern hemisphere. And he would no longer experience torture during fall and spring.

It was a nice thought to think before he became one with winter.

* * *

Bunny was a little worried at the smile Jack Frost gave them as he flew away. It looked empty and fragile at the same time. But it also looked strong, even if it seemed like a not-jack-frost-type strong. But it didn't seem like that big of a deal, so Bunnymund put it on the back burner as the guardians (excluding Sandy during the nights) helped him clean out the broken eggs (as much as it pained him) and put a note to visit him some time later on when the googies were planted and growing.

Maybe Jack'd even stop by, prancing around like the little show pony he was.

With that gotten over with, he started a conversation with North, and soon enough it devolved into an argument of which was better, Easter or Christmas.

Soon enough the thought of Jack Frost disappeared from his mind.

* * *

It was sometime in the middle of July that Bunny remembered his figurative promise to visit Jack. And, finishing painting the googie he had and then setting it on the soft grass he was sitting on, he packed up his paints, put them away and hopped into a tunnel to the southern hemisphere.

And immediately found him. Sitting against a tree, looking off into the distance, staff hidden somewhere. Unmoving. He didn't even shift as Bunny walked up and there was only a slight breeze wafting around him.

Sitting down in front of Jack, Bunny looked at him, spotting the glazed over eyes, and completely catatonic body. Catatonic body.

"Jack, no, no, no nononononononono." He pulled the rigid body to his own, not minding the light winter snow around him and attempted to hug him, but the body would not move. It wasn't dead, which was a great relief to Bunny, because even though spirits are hard to kill, they are not impervious to everything.

Keeping Jack close to him, he sent messenger googie to North's Workshop, telling them that he would be arriving with Jack soon and to set up a bed for him because something is wrong, something he didn't have enough expertise about. Pookas didn't go catatonic, at least not often, and only if they were sickly before. Jack wasn't, he knew from his instincts. Then why was he so unmoving?

Thumping his foot twice against the ground, he opened a tunnel - dislodging some snow - and, clutching Jack against his body with one hand (quite uncomfortably) he raced down the tunnels, popping out the other end without stopping, racing to the Workshop as quickly as he could. As soon as he got there, Tooth and Sandy were already there and worried sick. North was busying himself with fluffing the pillows and fixing the beds, the elves having already recognized the fact that this was really serious. There was no playing around with this.

As soon as Bunny slammed through the door, all three of the other guardians rushed over to him, North gently taking Jack from his now-cold hands and setting him on the bed, Tooth softly cooing over his body and attempting to make him relax with her precise fingers, Sandy attempting to find a way to have him fall asleep.

When the yetis started to separate them from the patient, Tooth and Sandy were frowning. Tooth because no matter what technique she did (and she learned from the best because she knew she overworked herself) Jack would not relax. And Sandy was frowning because Jack's own magic was preventing him from falling asleep.

About an hour into the yetis trying and failing to retrieve Jack from his catatonic state they shrieked something. The Guardians rushed to see what was going on to see that Jack had gotten a little see through and could not be touched. And then a strong gust of wind banged through the window, bringing with it a freezing torrent and Jack was solid and awake again, eyes wide open, staff tight in his grip, magic thrumming in the air.

"What are you doing?!" He was defensive and protective against himself, backing up against the open window, unwilling to fight against them but more than willing to run away. Bunny felt something stab at his heart.

"Bunny found you in catatonic state, what was going on?" North did not step forward, even though he looked like he really wanted to, wanted to run up to the boy and wrap him up in his enormous arms. But he knew that it would only make him run away.

"I was spreading winter." came the quiet response from Jack. "Like I do twice a year, once for the northern hemisphere, once for the south." He was still gripping his staff with alabaster pale hands like there was no tomorrow.

"But… why were you in a catatonic state?" Tooth ventured, Sandy expressing the same question with his golden sand. Jack flinched a little and took a baby step back. His lips pressed together and his shoulders tightened. Bunnymund had to hold back the strong urge to hold the winter spirit until everything was better and Jack was happy, but he knew it would only make it worse.

Suddenly Jack dropped his shoulders in defeat and said, "Because it's easier to do my job without feeling anything. I become the wind and the cold and winter has no need for sadness or loneliness. It just is."

Tooth gasped and Jack bolted, spinning on the Wind like he was a part of it. He probably was, the amount of times he became winter itself.

But at the moment, Bunny could only look on as a piece of his heart fled with Jack. Maybe they'd make it better for him, maybe they never would. But at the moment… North pulled everybody together, nobody willing or able to push away his crushing grip.

It was heartbreaking.

To be lonely enough to push away all feeling just to do the job he was put on earth for.

Bunny, the great Pooka scholarly warrior, cried.


	3. Invisible, Intangible

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or realities (unless otherwise stated). I do not make money off of this.**

 **The prompt for this come from profilore on rotg-kink dreamwidth and this first chapter is only slightly changed by me but mostly profilore's work (the person implicitly stated that a writer could use their first chapter). This chapter and any possible other ones are mine, thank you very much.**

 **This is not betaed. If you see any mistakes, I would love for you to** ** _kindly_** **point them out.**

As soon as everybody could stand on their own feet, they decided to go after Jack, perhaps understand more, make it better for him. It was mostly a big excuse to go after him and wrap him up in their arms and never let him go, stop all the loneliness. Make sure Jack never had to feel so lonely EVER again.

They quickly agreed to split up to search quicker, nobody in the mood to argue with one another. North and Sandy agreed to take the colder areas, since they were okay with the colder regions and Bunny and Tooth took for the slightly warmer areas, both at least somewhat sensitive to harsh wind and bitter cold. Bunny tried to search for Jack's scent, but since he had taken flight, and he had the wind on his side, it was just wishful thinking that he could find the winter spirit.

Tooth gathered a small crowd of her mini teeth, those that could afford to be away from their job for a while. Baby Tooth would not take 'no' for an answer and even when Tooth commanded her to go for a tooth somewhere, she passed off the work to someone else and sped alongside them, sharp eyes seeking out a scrap of blue among white and other colors. Tooth just sighed and shook her head, happy that Jack had another faithful friend, but sad that Baby Tooth had to search with them in the first place.

North flew on his sled, looking out below, even recruiting some of his elves and Yeti to watch as well. The elves because they loved Jack so much and Yeti because he couldn't always keep track of the elves. Phil was one of the Yeti that came along, and it seemed like he didn't blink when watching the ground.

It was only when they hit a ginormous blizzard somewhere in the Arctic that Yeti shouted out. North quickly looked down and saw nothing.

"What is it?"

But Phil was looking at the elves. They were all eerily looking at one spot in the sky, as it swooped, swirled and screamed around the sleigh, rattling the passengers and the reindeer. It brought with it blasts of cold, and even though it was the Wind, Jack was nowhere around.

"But where is Jack?!"

Phil's answering shout was blocked out by the wind screeching out again, suddenly causing hoarfrost to appear near the Yeti, creeping slowly to him. The Wind and Cold was feral, unwelcoming, unfeeling. Phil whimpered as the hoarfrost grew closer. North's eyes grew wider in realization.

Just as Phil ran to another part of the sled to escape the growing hoarfrost, North breathed out a name: "Jack."

All of a sudden the blizzard dropped, the wind stopped, the cold retreated and hoarfrost on the sled stopped its creeping. In place of the wind was a ghost of Jack, see through and looking to be covered in snow, translucent and reflective all in the same time. His projection was in shock, still and unmoving, only his eyes darting around and his breath pulling in more and more at a time. One of the elves activated the sled's capability of calling the guardians, and soon Sandy, Bunny and Tooth were appearing on the ground where North was trying to land. Jack just stood on the sled as if the Wind and momentum passed through him. It probably did.

As soon as the sled's runners hit the snowy ground, Jack's gaze snapped from the now retreating hoarfrost to Phil the Yeti. Everybody could see the plain look of shock and horror on his face at almost freezing one of his sort of friends to death. Baby Tooth squeaked and flew to Jack, trying to give him a hug. All that happened was her flying through his head, providing a wince to her, but barely any movement from him. Only the staff wasn't see through, even if it too was impossible to touch.

Phil, having not seen what happened to Baby Tooth, also attempted to wrap up the three hundred year old. His arms went through Jack's body and Jack's projection backed up again, one hand reaching to his chest, where his heart would have been.

"L-leave me alone. I need to finish bringing winter." He whispered, his voice soft and disconnected from his lip movements, as if he had to make his catatonic body say it then carry the voice on the wind to them.

"Let us help you mate, you don't have to be like this every winter, it's probably not good for you."

"I don't care if it's good for me, only that I don't hurt in the short run. It would hurt too much to think long term." Once again, his lips moved first and then his soft voice wafted in on the breeze continuously around him. It made North hurt just thinking that Jack separated himself from his own body.

North had done it once, just wanting to see how it was possible and after he joined with his body again all he knew was that it hurt like hell and his toys lacked much of the wonder that he loved to see. He never did it again.

But to be able to connect and disconnect one's own body from oneself enough that there was no outward sign of hurt would have taken hundreds… of… years.

Oh.

And Jack had only just met the Guardians.

Why didn't they search for him before?


	4. Knowledgeable in Loneliness

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or realities (unless otherwise stated). I do not make money off of this.**

 **The prompt for this come from profilore on rotg-kink dreamwidth and this first chapter is only slightly changed by me but mostly profilore's work (the person implicitly stated that a writer could use their first chapter). This chapter and any possible other ones are mine, thank you very much.**

 **This is not betaed. If you see any mistakes, I would love for you to** ** _kindly_** **point them out.**

 **This is your (slightly) long awaited chapter. Please Enjoy.**

Sandy slowly moved away from the group and quickly traveled to North's Workshop, his transport dissipating without a thought as he rushed to the library. True, he did have many books in his own library, but this way it would be easier to get their attention. Hit them on the head with the book.

Now where was it…

Sandy searched for a long time until he found the book that he needed. It was titled _Elementals, Spirits and Seasonals: Everything You Need To Know_. Checking the table of contents, he flipped to the pages about Winter Seasonals, the ones that brought and kept Winter around. There were a measly two pages about them in the book.

The first page had actual information, such as where they are usually spotted, in what numbers and, what Sandy was looking for, how they were seen to have done their job. Many from the list on the second page were one color, signifying that they mostly used the first method, going around personally to spread the winter snow and cold and frost. The other method known was to lay back and let their own magic do the work for them while they did something else. A few Seasonals used this method.

And then there was the last method. Turning into Winter itself. There was very little about it, since nobody had ever been near a winter seasonal spirit when they removed themselves from their tangible body and turned into the wind and snow and cold. Sandy, who had been skimming the page so far, stopped and actually read it, leaning on the bookstand his sand made for him.

 _Winter Seasonal Spirits that Turn Into Winter leave behind a catatonic body when they spread winter. When they are Winter, they have no remorse, no feelings and cannot be reasoned with. It may know the feelings of the previous Seasonal, but it does not understand them. There are some cases of other Spirits dying because the Winter Seasonal Spirit had a grudge on them, and because some have less willpower in themselves, could not stop the death._

 _The reason why some Winter Seasonal Spirits choose to Turn Into Winter is, according to an anonymous Winter Spirit, "because nobody wishes to be around us. After all, we are death and cold everything miserable. No Spirit really attempts to converse with us, as if they are afraid that we will kill them on a whim."_

 _Side note: Some of the Seasonals listed on the next page that are labelled with *unknown favorite method* might use this method without anyone knowing._

As he drifted out of the library, he heard the rest of the Guardians coming back, Tooth sniffling quietly and Bunnymund whispering softly to her, trying to calm her down. Sandy opened the door to the room they were in and held out the book, bookmarked at the right page, so they wouldn't have to.

North looked up when he noticed Sandy in front of him. He slowly took the book from his hands, gently looking at the state of it and the title of the book, too tired and sad to do much more.

Flipping to the right page he got the attention of the others, yeti and guardians alike, the elves having finally realized that this is no laughing matter, no time to do anything but stay out of their way so they can work through their grief. Oh, and bake cookies.

Sandy floated in front of them, watching their faces as they understood even more why Jack Frost, their most fun-loving child of all, turned into a raging creature of uncontrollable wind and cold when winter came around.

"Should we look for him?" Bunny shuffled his feet, shifting his bandolier a little bit.

Sandy shrugged a little while shaking his head, hoping that the Guardians would understand. By their looks of sad acceptance. He supposed they did.

"But we must, he must be so lonely and sad and… my Sweet Tooth!" Tooth broke down again, dropping to her knees.

"We will look when no winter on planet. Easier to talk to. Okay, Tooth? Bunny? Sandy?" Bunny and Tooth nodded their heads while Sandy looked away.

 _I can understand him. The loneliness that drove him to hide away his feelings. The only difference is that I hide away my voice._


	5. And You Show Me the Morning Sun

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or realities (unless otherwise stated). I do not make money off of this.**

 **The prompt for this come from profilore on rotg-kink dreamwidth and this first chapter is only slightly changed by me but mostly profilore's work (the person implicitly stated that a writer could use their first chapter). This chapter and any possible other ones are mine, thank you very much.**

 **This is not betaed. If you see any mistakes, I would love for you to** ** _kindly_** **point them out.**

 **I am sorry for the long wait but I am currently at camp and while I do have internet and will continue writing, do not expect me to write to quickly because I came here for more than just writing (even though it is super fun.)**

During the months of August, September and October, when the frost melted in the southern hemisphere to make way for spring, the Guardians teamed up to do exactly the same thing they had done in the winter: pile into the sleigh (or bound through tunnels) to look for jack and maybe set things right.

The only difference this time was that Sandy decided to separate from the group and search the world as a whole, since, after all, spirits had to sleep sometime as well. Besides, he already had a plan in place. Baby Tooth moved beside him after a quick look, recognizing determination in his face like when one of her sisters carried ten coins at once.

The only slight caveat in the plan was whether or not the catatonic state counted as sleep, for dreamers and sleepers were easiest for Sandy to find.

After searching with his dreamsand body dispersed among the wind for a while, he found Jack curled up in the crook of the tree, watching the dreamsand float by. After a few seconds, Jack tentatively touched the dreamsand, and to Sandy's surprise, didn't fall asleep. Instead, the dreamsand formed into a pair of dolphins that danced around his body until they realized that he didn't want to play. Shifting into a pair of golden children, they leaned on Jack, providing as much comfort as they could when they weren't in the dreamworld.

Forming his body a little bit away from Jack, Sandy pressed a hand to his throat, attempting to remember long forgotten anatomy that allowed him to speak. It had been a long time since he had last said any words, since many focused on the way his voice sounded rather than the words themselves. And occasionally they simply could not hear him at all.

Determination in his mind, he attempted his vocal chords one more time, taking in a small gasp of surprise when it worked. And it did! Jack jerked around, almost pushing the sand-children behind him while quickly aiming his staff at whatever had gasped. In this case, it was Sandy, smiling at his own two hands, and occasionally touching his throat.

"Sandy?" Jack whispered, a little bit unbelieving of what was going on. Sandy smiled again and looked up at the winter spirit, moving his attention from his own wonder to what wonder he would incur into Jack.

"Jack." he whispered, his voice as soft as a cool summer's breeze and as soft as downy feathers. It was easy to forget the words and listen to the texture, but Sandy was sure Jack was paying attention.

"I suppose it's a bit of an unspoken truth that I can speak even though I prefer not to. I've never spoken in several billion years, however, so many have forgotten that I can, and those that know keep quiet. I trust you. Even the guardians don't know I can technically speak." As he Sandy spoke, his voice became surer and more understanding as Sandy got more used to speaking again. Jack was absolutely still, staff gripped tightly in hand, wind only moving to push some of the words into Jack's ears, but otherwise absolutely still. Sandy sent a mental "thank you" to the old spirit.

Sandy had met Wind when it was still visible as a spirit and knew that if it was helping Jack, it wanted Jack to be happy. And knew Sandy could help.

Jack stood there for a few seconds, mind reeling at the information. Splashes of "Sandy can speak?!" and "He… trusts me?" popped up among others and when Sandy floated closer to him and held him in his arms, Jack absolutely _collapsed_. His voice warbled and bubbled and tears flowed from his eyes and froze among Sandy's sand, his hands grasping at the smaller, much older man who could comfort him so much more than even the Wind on one of his worst days.

He babbled to somebody who could answer with a kind voice and reassure him and his own magic, once roiling at the surface, filled with joyful energy and clouds of loneliness settled in his very core, providing him with peace. And when he went on a tirade about how he was winter and the other spirits he had met told him he killed things on purpose and he didn't want to kill things and then Sandy shushed him and then very quietly asked him for the names of those spirits, or at least what they looked like.

Jack was confused, but slowly provided with semi-accurate descriptions of a few of them, and when Sandy hugged him even tighter while angrily growling something (in another language) under his breath, Jack understood the direction of his anger and upset and simple loathing _rage_ and finally breathed. He knew that he would not fuse with what he spread anymore, would not give up a piece of himself to forget his loneliness because he was no longer lonely. He would no longer forget himself when he did his job.

It felt nice, and as Jack basked in Sandy's protective arms of sand he stroked his glowing core, his magic that floated like bubble in his heart. Light and airy and free of burdens.


End file.
